Monday, February 13, 2017

Black Vinyl Vamp Gun Fetish a GoGo, or Thoughts on Underworld: Blood Wars

I remember seeing Oxford trained British actor Kate Beckinsale in the trailer for the first Underworld (2003) shooting out the floor with her modified 92FS Berettas with extended barrels (in case you care, and I know you do) from under her feet and crashing through like she was a vampire Snake Plissken and thinking “I have no idea what this movie is about, it looks really cool and I wanna see it.”  So fast-forward 13 years later to the fifth installment in this vampires vs. werewolves series, Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), and I still really don't know what’s going on.
I mean, yeah, there’s an ongoing, centuries-old war between the vamps and the lycans, Kate Beckinsale is Selene, a Deathdealer, which is a sort of elite vampire ninja assassin commando, and she falls in love with a werewolf (an age old story).  Somewhere between the first movie and the fifth she had a kid, who has special hybrid blood that both the vamps and the werewolves want.  I only saw that Underworld (2003, in the theater, if that counts), and lost interest, which is ironic, even for me.  I mean, a franchise based on hot Euro-trash vampire supermodels with high tech weapons, what’s wrong with me?
I’ll tell you what’s wrong: the series consists of cool Matrix-y fight scenes, stylish vampires and hunky werewolves, and sexy vamp on lycan sex scenes across Eastern Europe.  There was nothing particularly egregious about Underworld: Blood Wars, it’s just the same story told over and over, with diminishing returns. 
However, watch out for Lara Pulver, you know, Irene Adler from Sherlock as Semira, from the vampire council and Charles Dance, or Tywin Lannister from that show about dragons as Thomas, another vampire.  Also featuring Theo James, Mr. Pamuk from Downton Abbey as David, another ridiculously handsome vamp and Tobias Menzies, Edmund Tully from that show about thrones and Marcus Junius Brutus from the far superior Rome, as Marius, the werewolf leader.
It’s interesting that Hollywood is dragging their collective feet on female superhero movies because they think they won’t sell but it doesn’t explain the box office success of this franchise, or the Resident Evil movies.  And speaking of Resident Evil, it’s essentially the same story but with zombies and Milla Jovovitch; it’s almost a Coke/Pepsi, Gibson/Fender, iPhone/Android situation.  And while I have only seen 2 of the Underworld movies, I have seen all 6 Resident Evils.  What can I say, I’m a Coke/Fender/iPhone guy.




my first novel?  thanks for asking:)  it’s a the first book in a 4-volume supernatural martial arts series chock full of killer kung-fu witches, haunted carnivals, punk rock assassins, and a 24-hour diner with the best pie in town…
read for free on kindle unlimited or buy the paperback, available at fine bookstores everywhere (amazon).