Tuesday, April 11, 2017

It’s Not as Bad as You Think, or I Watched All Three Human Centipedes, So You Don’t Have To

Most decidedly not for the coprophobic, The Human Centipede (First Sequence, 2009) is brilliant, in the sense that Dutch director Tom Six created a perfect storm of controversy and boundary crossing that generated free publicity worldwide and guaranteed his spot in cinematic history.  It may be a shitty footnote (see what I did there), but he will be remembered for this movie long after you and I are gone.  Everyone has heard of this movie, everyone has a general idea what it’s about and most of you have no interest in seeing it.  That’s valid.  But like the title says it’s not as bad as you think; there are uncomfortable scenes in better movies that are far more difficult to watch, the toilet scene in Trainspotting (1996) comes immediately to mind, along with all of Martyrs (2008) and Haute Tension (2003).
Originally conceived by the director as a punishment for pedophiles, German actor Dieter Laser portrays Dr. Josef Heiter in the First Sequence (2009); a mad scientist and ranting, raving lunatic who is obsessed with creating the next evolution of humanity, which of course involves surgically joining three unwilling subjects into one long digestive tract.  Once the hapless victims are attached, two female American backpackers and a male Japanese tourist, the Doctor tries to keep them as a pet and walks them in his back yard.  Septicemia sets in, the cops arrive, and things turn out just about as you’d expect.
The sequel, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence, 2011), which I watched for you (the things I do for you and this blog) acknowledges the first film as a movie that Martin Lomax, a perverted, masochistic security guard with mother issues is obsessed with.  A black and white film, Martin somehow manages to kidnap 12 victims for his centipede, which he assembles with duct tape and a staple gun.   The character of Martin Lomax is singularly repulsive on so many levels, and British actor Laurence R. Harvey seems to take a sadistic glee in inflicting him upon the audience.  Of the three films, his character is the most difficult to watch.
The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence, 2015), features the return of both Dieter Laser and Laurence R. Harvey, now as Bill Boss, a gloriously psychopathic cannibal and American prison warden and Dwight, his timid sidekick/accountant.  After watching The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence, 2011) in his office, Bill is inspired to turn his entire prison into a 500-human centipede that snakes across the yard.  The movie has a surprisingly high 19% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and also features Eric Roberts as The Governor and porn superstar Bree Olsen (please don’t ask me how I know she’s a porn star) as Daisy, the warden’s receptionist.





my first novel?  thanks for asking:)  it’s a the first book in a 4-volume supernatural martial arts series chock full of killer kung-fu witches, haunted carnivals, punk rock assassins, and a 24-hour diner with the best pie in town…
read for free on kindle unlimited or buy the paperback, available at fine bookstores everywhere (amazon).